I have the second-most popular male first name of the last 100 years. (F**k you, James.)
 

I love goats, cheese, and cake.
 

I can't stomach goat cheese or cheesecake.
 

I adore Britney Spears. 2007-08 Brit was the peak of pop.
 

Writing isn't my only creative outlet—check out my lighting skillz.
 

I adore Britney Spears. (Oops! I said it again.)
 

Favorite bean: Jelly
 

Least favorite word: Mucus (or pus)
 

I don't trust owls—from their murder-claw feet to their Linda Blair head spins. Every owl I've seen looks like it knows how I die.
 

Beer or wine: Can I see the kids menu?