I have the second-most popular male first name of the last 100 years. (F**k you, James.)
 

I love goats, cheese, and cake (not in the same bite).
 

I can't stomach goat cheese or cheesecake.
 

I adore Britney Spears. 2007-08 Brit was the peak of pop.
 

Writing isn't my only creative outlet. Check out my lighting skillz.
 

I adore Britney Spears. (Oops! I said it again.)
 

Favorite bean: jelly
 

Least favorite word: mucus. Close runner-up: pus.
 

I don't trust owls. I mean, who knows what those murder-claw ninjas are plotting? Who? 
 

Beer or wine: Kids' menu, please. And extra crayons.